Saturday, January 19, 2008

He's dreamy... He's WHAT?!

Last weekend a friend of mine in the ward said to me, "I want you to meet my cousin. He will be here in a few weeks and I think you two would get along great. He's so cute, smart, and just wonderful. I can't wait for you to meet him!"

As she speaks I create a mental image of a 42 year old man, with a face only a cousin could love. Yeah, with my luck he's probably on his last round of drug addiction rehabilitation or maybe he's looking for a good Mormon girl to "straighten" him out. No pun intended.

My pessimistic thoughts were paused by the realization I was turning into a cold, cynical, nearly 30 year old.

"He's from Seattle and he's going to grad school.", she said.

My ears perked up. Oh, how I love intelligent men from liberal cities!! So dreamy.

She continues, "But... [oh no!! here it comes]... He's only 25. Is that too young for you?"

PHEW! Too young? Ha!

By this point, I am intrigued. After all, this is my year. I mean, my motto is "find a mate in 2008". Maybe he be could be the one! I hear Handel's Messiah in the background, "Hallelujah. Hallelujah...". My mind wanders to an open meadow. I run to my faceless liberal lover and he runs to me. Just before we embrace rationality calls me back to reality, as it often does.

I ask a question, the most important question of all...

"Where did he do his undergrad?"

Handel's angelic choir decrescendos... I lean in towards her to ensure I hear the answer clearly.

"Oh, he went to BYU."

The choir stops, mid-lujah. The brakes in my racing heart come to a screeching halt.

Two words: deal breaker.

It's over before it has begun. So much for it being my year after all...

Confession: I am a BYU male hater. Strike that-- hate is a strong word. Let me put it to you this way... I would rather marry a guy who didn't finish high school, who was a chain smoker, and who never brushed his teeth than date with a guy who went to BYU. I would rather get 5 root canals in the same day than spend an hour on a date with a male cougar. It's as simple as that.

She sent me a picture of him. He's cute. Very cute. I am pretty sure we would have beautiful children together. But when I look into his eyes, all I see are Y's, reminding me that I left Provo to get away from BYU men. He doesn't even stand a chance with me now.

Where do these feelings of antagonism come from, you ask? See, by tossing BYU men out before they have a chance is my way of getting back at BYU men for tossing me out before they gave me a chance all those years. Am I bitter? No, just honest. Best part? I have all the intelligent girls in Provo, over 150 lbs. on my side. I represent them.

BYU men, with few exceptions, suffer from what I call "the grass is greener in the dorm next door" disease. It's highly contagious and when left untreated it leads to numberless amounts of socially- inept -BYU male graduates who's only hope for marriage is It can only be cured by a swift kick of life experience, away from Provo.

When I meet this guy (if it still happens after he reads this blog entry) we will become fast friends. Shortly thereafter, he will fall in love with me but will still be holding out for the woman who has all my qualities bundled up in a 90 lb body.

Years from now, I'll be married to my Stanford grad husband, living comfortably and beautifully in my size 12 jeans. He'll still be single, wishing that he had chosen to go to Georgetown instead.


Malena said...

Hey, don't be bashing my hometown! Kidding...bash all you want. Why do you think I moved away?


Jake Black said...

We're not *ALL* bad. ;-)

A said...

Why Stanford???

Jody said...

Oh, I'm so glad I found your blog! I love this stuff! And it's still so fresh in my mind, too. I hear ya, I hear ya... This is gonna be fun!

Greg and Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill said...

hehehe-- the grass is always greener, isn't it?

Andrea said...

You are hilarious and it's so true!!