Sunday, October 18, 2009


Yesterday, I went to the mall with my husband. While he was in the dressing room, I patiently sat in a chair. I must have looked bored because a little boy who was shopping with his dad took pity on me an smiled. Remnants of the chocolate dipped cone from Dairy Queen he consumed minutes earlier framed his grin. The smile shortly went to a stare and finally I said, "hi".

That was enough to incite the precocious 6 year old to talk to me about life, starting kindergarten, and that he wears ties to church.

After a lull in the conversation he looked at me again and said, "It's almost Halloween!". I then asked, "What are you going to be?" He excitedly responded, "Ronald McDonald!"

For a brief moment, I actually liked Halloween. The fact that a 6 year old was delighted about dressing up as a freakishly absurd clown was amusing to me.

I love fall, the colors, caramel apples but Halloween is my least favorite holiday. Before you call me un-American, here are my top ten reasons why:

1. It bugs me when people mispronounce the word, "Halloween". It's not HOLLOWeen, people, it's HALLOWeen!

2. Having my parents inspect my candy for razor blades, arsenic, and glass invoked paranoia and a severe distrust for my neighbors. Wondering if the individually wrapped snickers was injected with cocaine took the fun away!

3. Dressing up like a jack-o-lantern. Parents-- never let your children do this! It gave me a complex. I wore a bright orange oversized sheet, stuffed with newspapers green tights. Going to the bathroom was IMPOSSIBLE! In defense of my parents, I did this of my own volition-- I needed a costume at the last minute and borrowed it from a friend.

4. I almost peed my pants at a Haunted Forest once... or thrice. I wish I could say it happened when I was 5... but I was more like 25. I was on a date-- and he never asked me out again. Come on, incontinence is HOT!

5. The year the beloved faux-wood paneled station wagon got egged by wanna be gangsters... and I had to clean it up.

6. Getting blamed for egging someone's house. I promise I didn't do it... I had better things to do on Halloween, like poke my eyes out with lollipops laced with switchblades.

7. I overdosed on candy corns a few years ago. I now break out in hives at the very sight of them.

8. Why is it that Halloween is every Mormon girl's chance to dress like a hoochie? "What? I dress up like a pole dancer? But it's Halloween!"

9. When I was a kid, we had Halloween one time-- and that was on Halloween, October 31st. Now days, kids have 2 weeks of Halloween and it takes away for the true reason for the season-- to celebrate dead patron saints.

10. Since I never liked to say, "Trick or treat" at the door (I was shy), the neighbors only gave me the nasty candy or if I was lucky, pennies. When I say nasty candy, I mean circus peanuts, wax lips, and those strawberry candies wrapped in strawberry paper. Really, who likes those?

In creating my list of reasons why hate Halloween, I thought of something that I actually like about the holiday--the movie, Watcher in the Woods! NERAK. The best Disney movie ever!

Happy Halloween? And don't forget to inspect your Boston baked beans!