Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am too old for this...

My mother in law gave us a $25 gift card to Hollister-- and we needed to use it before the end of January. So a few days before my 32nd birthday, I decided to go (for the first time ever) to Hollister and buy myself an early birthday present. Yeah, when you want to be reminded of how old and chubby you really are, go into a store specifically for young teenagers.

Before I go into detail about my sojourn into the depths of skinny adolescence, let me just tell you that they didn't have Hollister when I was a teenager. Well, there was one but it was not a clothing store but a small town established in the 1800s. Good ol' Hollister, CA. The high school mascot is a Haybaler- (people who put hay into bales?). Real cool... and the epitome of what the Hollister store isn't...

Back to my story. I walk in and was greeted by a teenage worker folding shirts the size of my pinkie. I walk around and realize that their size large is actually an extra small in old lady size. So I bravely ask, "Do you have anything for females in an extra large?"

She looks at me with a blank stare and thoughtfully says, "Nope... but we sell extra large size in the guy's section."

Great... but I am not into dressing like a teenage boy. That is so 1990's.

I wandered and find some t-shirts... in the girl's clearance section. I frantically search for the largest size. I try it on in the unisex dressing room (awkward) and it took me 1/2 hour to peel it off. I wasn't depressed at all after that incident.

I continued to look and see another stack of clearance shirts-- ones you can tell aren't all that cool because there are 50 of them still left. Oh, and they were right next to the shirts (also clearance) that said, "Santa's Little Helper" written in silver glitter. Not a good sign.

I was so desperate to leave with a Hollister shirt as a last ditch effort to feel young even though I am growing old. Heck, I was willing to pay $10 for one if it fit me.... and it did, kinda.

Now I only have $15 left to spend...

An hour later, inebriated by the mass quantity of teenage cologne bursting through air vents, I concluded there is not a single article of clothing that was going to fit-- even in the teenage boys section.

I was determined to spend the remaining money on something, anything!

I tried the perfume. It reminded me of a 21st century version of the Exclamation scent I wore to 8th grade dances. (Only Exclamation was only $5.99 and this perfume was $50.00).

I tried the lip gloss (and no I didn't put the herpes infested tester on my lips-- I put some on my hand instead). Bleh... If I ever need travel sized colored pomade, I would just by that lip gloss.

The only other thing that I could find was body wash, spray and lotion that smelled like Laguna Beach with a hint of a Strawberry Shortcake doll. So I bought them....

Feeling old, out of place, unfashionable, and fat, I went to the counter to purchase my goods. The clerk said, "Oh I love this lotion! Are you buying this for your daughter?" Okay, that last part really didn't happen but I am sure she was thinking it. I ended up spending 13 extra bucks because I didn't add correctly. My math skills haven't gotten better with age.

Hollister, thanks for reminding me that 32 years old is just 7 years away from being 40!