Saturday, January 19, 2008

He's dreamy... He's WHAT?!

Last weekend a friend of mine in the ward said to me, "I want you to meet my cousin. He will be here in a few weeks and I think you two would get along great. He's so cute, smart, and just wonderful. I can't wait for you to meet him!"

As she speaks I create a mental image of a 42 year old man, with a face only a cousin could love. Yeah, with my luck he's probably on his last round of drug addiction rehabilitation or maybe he's looking for a good Mormon girl to "straighten" him out. No pun intended.

My pessimistic thoughts were paused by the realization I was turning into a cold, cynical, nearly 30 year old.

"He's from Seattle and he's going to grad school.", she said.

My ears perked up. Oh, how I love intelligent men from liberal cities!! So dreamy.

She continues, "But... [oh no!! here it comes]... He's only 25. Is that too young for you?"

PHEW! Too young? Ha!

By this point, I am intrigued. After all, this is my year. I mean, my motto is "find a mate in 2008". Maybe he be could be the one! I hear Handel's Messiah in the background, "Hallelujah. Hallelujah...". My mind wanders to an open meadow. I run to my faceless liberal lover and he runs to me. Just before we embrace rationality calls me back to reality, as it often does.

I ask a question, the most important question of all...

"Where did he do his undergrad?"

Handel's angelic choir decrescendos... I lean in towards her to ensure I hear the answer clearly.

"Oh, he went to BYU."

The choir stops, mid-lujah. The brakes in my racing heart come to a screeching halt.

Two words: deal breaker.

It's over before it has begun. So much for it being my year after all...

Confession: I am a BYU male hater. Strike that-- hate is a strong word. Let me put it to you this way... I would rather marry a guy who didn't finish high school, who was a chain smoker, and who never brushed his teeth than date with a guy who went to BYU. I would rather get 5 root canals in the same day than spend an hour on a date with a male cougar. It's as simple as that.

She sent me a picture of him. He's cute. Very cute. I am pretty sure we would have beautiful children together. But when I look into his eyes, all I see are Y's, reminding me that I left Provo to get away from BYU men. He doesn't even stand a chance with me now.

Where do these feelings of antagonism come from, you ask? See, by tossing BYU men out before they have a chance is my way of getting back at BYU men for tossing me out before they gave me a chance all those years. Am I bitter? No, just honest. Best part? I have all the intelligent girls in Provo, over 150 lbs. on my side. I represent them.

BYU men, with few exceptions, suffer from what I call "the grass is greener in the dorm next door" disease. It's highly contagious and when left untreated it leads to numberless amounts of socially- inept -BYU male graduates who's only hope for marriage is ldsdesperate.com. It can only be cured by a swift kick of life experience, away from Provo.

When I meet this guy (if it still happens after he reads this blog entry) we will become fast friends. Shortly thereafter, he will fall in love with me but will still be holding out for the woman who has all my qualities bundled up in a 90 lb body.

Years from now, I'll be married to my Stanford grad husband, living comfortably and beautifully in my size 12 jeans. He'll still be single, wishing that he had chosen to go to Georgetown instead.

FIND A MATE IN 2008-- Introduction and part 1 of 10

I heard this line recently and loved it. The wheels in my analytical mind started to spin so I decided to create a series of notes/blogs on how to find a mate in 2008. As many of you know, I am obsessed with relationships- not my own, of course because they really aren’t that interesting. I am the self-appointed soccer mom (minus the mini van and tapered jeans) of everyone else’s love life. Perhaps it’s because I majored in marriage and family. Or maybe it’s because dating is apart of every conversation I partake of at this stage of my life. Needless to say, these notes aren’t a 10 step program to finding the love of your life (go to eharmony.com for that…don’t really go). My goal is to provide comic relief to the broken hearted and frustrated and comfort for those who know the term “unrequited love” all too well. And hopefully, my words will be the catalyst for change to those of you who are couch potato lovers. Whatever the need, enjoy…

Part I—Lessons on Love from Mutual FundsThis week at work I trained a group of new financial advisors on the value of mutual funds in their business. As part of the instruction, I discussed that when they present a mutual fund idea to their client it’s crucial to explain that the biggest risk of investing isn’t the inevitable market fluctuation that could lead to capital loss. The biggest risk with investments, I told them, is doing nothing at all. This got me thinking… It reminded me of a cheesy quote that I probably acquired from the marriage preparation class that I almost failed as a junior in college. Side note: Don’t let that fact deter you from reading on… So here’s the quote (author unknown):

“ To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your idea, your dream before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in returned.To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love… live. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks is truly free”
So what does it all mean, you ask? Beats the heck out of me! Ok, actually, it reminded me of a time when I really liked this guy. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. We were best friends. I over-analyzed his every move. Every thing he did, I thought, was an indication of his undying love for me. Never again will I mistake, “Do you want to shoots some hoops?” as a sign of interest. One day, I blurted out that I liked him more than a friend. His response was, “Oh, I am sorry. I will try to fart more around you” (real mature).Months later, after my heart had healed from being broken, I attended his wedding reception. I met his mom who graciously and repeatedly thanked me for being his “mom away from home”. OUCH! I got drunk off of wedding cake and crème puffs that night hoping that would teach him a lesson. It didn’t. I was left with a sugar hangover and the need for pants once size bigger.
It wasn't until years later that I appreciated that I took a risk. I learned that he's not for me... One man down, 999,999 more men to go. He did me a favor by getting out of my life. I wasted too much time telling myself the reason he didn't like me was because I wasn't pretty enough... Time that I should have spent taking care of myself-- for me. Taking that risk changed my life.
Well, we aren’t going to find the love of our lives marinating in hot tubs of self-pity. That, my friend, will only make your soul stinky and shriveled! Men, ask her out or at least tell her that you think she’s great. Ladies, I am not saying ask him out. DON'T do that. Just say yes when ask you out because you just never know… And if the man you “love” doesn’t show interest in you, teach him a lesson that he missed out… not by consuming a tub of lard (also known as ice cream), but by going out and meeting more guys.
Take a risk this week when it comes to love…Yeah, there is a chance it will turn out unfavorably. If it does, I will let you write a chapter in my forthcoming book.

They call me coach. Love coach.

I don't profess to know everything about dating and relationships... but I have learned a few things over the years that are noteworthy. Before I go any further… There are many who say, “Why should I listen to you? You are nearly 30 and still single!” If anything, that fact alone makes me credible because I know what NOT to do. I learned the hard way... Because my thoughts tend to be discursive, I am going to number them. Oh, and PLEASE don't shoot the messenger...

Women:

1.) If he doesn’t ask you out, he’s probably not interested in you. If he is interested in you and still doesn’t ask you out, chances are he’s not the right one for you (at least right now)… unless you have a thing for docile men.

2.) Just because he asks you out doesn’t mean he wants you to bear his children. Enjoy the date and don’t pick out your wedding colors just yet. More than likely, you will look back years later and say, “What in the HECK was I thinking?!”

3.) If you have to ask your friends if they think he’s interested in you, he probably isn’t. So if he said hello to you in a “seductive voice” it doesn’t mean a thing. Don't use your secret decoder pen to figure out what that means. He’s probably just going through puberty. Trust me.

4.) Men are hunters and it’s constantly deer hunting season. If you (the deer) jump in front of the AK 47 (or whatever they use these days) and say, “Hey, handsome hunter, look at me! Shoot me because I would make a nice wall decoration!” he will run away. If he shoots you, he’s lazy and will never appreciate you.

5.) Going on dates and meeting societal standards of beauty does NOT define your worth. Your worth is inherent so stop giving all the credit to men and Jessica Simpson. Take care of yourself for YOU.6.) NCMO- Don’t do it! It’s like injecting your brain with Novocain and your heart with methamphetamines.

7.) View rejection as protection. Rejection filters out (protects you from) the men who would never love you the way you want to be loved.

8.) It’s better to think, “All men want me” than, “No man will ever want me”. Don’t let self fulfilling prophesies determine your future.

9.) Know the difference between love and infatuation. It will save you from a lot of stress.10.) Be alluring, not emasculating.

Men:

1.) If you don’t ask her out, she’s not going to know you are interested.

2.) Just because she says yes, doesn’t mean she’s planning your wedding… Sorry.

3.) Women are like spaghetti. Everything is intertwined. Let women analyze and look into everything. It’s how they convince themselves to like you when you really don’t have a chance.

4.) Men are built to be hunters (it’s anthropological) not predators. There is a difference. Random question: If you don’t like playing "games", then why do you like to "hunt"?

5). Yeah you are attracted to atheistically pleasing things. You are visual and that’s okay. But if I hear you say you need to see a woman in a bikini before you will marry her, I will throw a fat suit on you when you least expect it, clothe you in women’s clothes, and make you walk through BYU campus for a week. In other words, don’t verbalize what women already know.

6). NCMO- Don’t do it. It’s like injecting your brain with methamphetamines and your heart with Novocain. (note the difference with women)

7). View rejection as protection. Rejection filters out the women who would never appreciate you the way you need to be appreciated. Good thing is there are a lot more good women than good men (a man told me that). The odds are in your favor.

8.) It’s better to think but NEVER SAY, “All women want me” rather than, “No woman will ever want me”. Confidence, not arrogance is attractive.

9.) Know the difference between lust and love. It will save you from a lot of destructive relationships.

10.) Be a man. And don’t let women try to change you. One Richard Simmons in this world is enough.

Two both men and women: Ever play that game where two people sit back to back and link arms and the object of the game is to stand up simultaneously? It only works if both contribute. That's the secret to sucessful relationships.