Sunday, February 3, 2008

FIND A MATE IN 2008: Introduction and Part 2 of 10

Best Friends?

"Being friends with someone you would rather be in love with is like being invited behind the barn to look at the stars and just looking at the stars"

A few years ago, I had this vision about how my life was going to go regarding marriage. I envisioned that my future husband would be this handsome guy whom I had known for a long time, basically my best friend. I would listen to his “girl problems” and he would pretend to be my boyfriend at my high school reunion (every relationship needs an element of reciprocity). Over time he would notice how beautiful I really am and eventually would fall in love with me. When that finally happened, we would get married. Yeah, I had it all figured out.

Then one day, I realized that this idea was so DUMB for many reasons! Let me explain.

First of all, why do we enjoy being enslaved by false hopes? The “what ifs” get us through the lonely days. Eventually though, they turn into tombstones marking buried dreams. For example, you might say, “What if he gets a concussion resulting in amnesia and forgets he’s really not attracted to me?” or “What if one day he realizes that he can’t do any better?” Then there’s my all time favorite, “What if I dye my hair blonde, un-smart myself, and lose 100lbs? Then he will love me.” Hate to break it to you sister, but those women who ultimately find the love of their life don’t wait around for “what ifs” to become reality because they usually never do. It doesn’t even happen in the movies! Those women who have love either let things happen (not by force) or if nothing happens, they move on.

Second idiotic thought: “over time he will realize how beautiful I really am”. I don’t want to “grow” on some man. Last time I checked, I am not a fungus. How romantic will it be when he tells the story of how you two fell in love and it goes something like this: “Yeah, at first I thought she was a troll. Then after liposuction, she turned out to be just what I wanted. She’s so beautiful to me now.” (I think I just threw up in my mouth) Here’s a little secret about men that I learned from teaching sex ed (8th graders know so much)… Men of all ages are visual creatures. If they don’t find you attractive right away, they never will. If his attraction for you waxes and wanes, understand that your relationship will never be anything more than platonic. Men aren’t shallow, they are just men. Trust me with this one- (un)fortunately, I know. It’s much better to wait for that guy who is instantly attracted to you. Please don’t think you shouldn’t try to be attractive because a guy should “love you for who you are”. That’s dumb too. If you are doing everything you can, just be patient. The best feeling in the world is when the man you love looks you in the eyes and you just know he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world. You were made to be adored. To accept anything less that that would be an insult to your Creator

I am going to use my “spotlight analogy” to illustrate my third point. Picture this with me. You are holding a bright spotlight on your “love” who is on center stage (right where you put him). The spotlight is powered by all the effort and energy you put into the relationship. When a light is shining in his face, it’s so bright that he can’t even see you. What does this mean? He doesn’t like YOU, he likes the attention and enjoys basking in the energy you are so willing to giving him. He will keep consuming that energy, because he can (if the roles were reversed, you would do it too). Consequently, when you put the spotlight on him, it dims your vision, disabling you from noticing other men who are waiting in the wings to adore you.

Lastly, each of us knows deep down that the guy who we are best friends with doesn’t have any romantic feelings for us. I can’t say this enough… if he talks to you every night but asks out other girls, HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU ROMANTICALLY. If you have to ask your friends if he is interested in you, HE’S NOT. If you have to analyze his every word and move to prove to yourself he likes you that means it’s time to move on. STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!!!

If you are in this situation, I urge you to liberate yourself from the chains of unachievable romance. As painful as it is to break from those shackles now, it’s a whole lot easier than having to sit in the front row at his wedding, wishing his bride-to-be was you instead.

Ultimately, I will marry my best friend. But that friendship will be born from adoration and admiration on ALL levels.

If you really need a best friend, buy a dog. Sadly, it will be as attracted to you as your guy best friend but at least Scruffy will never get married.


Born Again Barbie...making my Mormon Dreams Come True (very slowly) said...

Amen, Anna is a genius and should be quoted and heard and followed by woman everywhere. Girl i know your like Lauren Hill who says, " Girl, Lauren is only Human, don't think I haven't been in the same predicament"... lets start getting adored, on all levels, heaven help us.

Jody said...

You need a publisher. Have you ever thought of writing a little anecdotal book with all these wonderful thoughts?

Geoff & Cali said...

What happened with the BYU-grad-Seattle guy? (I'm a friend of McKenna's by the way, nice to meet you.) :)

Greg and Lauren said...

oh anneliesa, how i miss your wittiness!! i really love your writing style, sardonic and to the point... you SHOULD write a book. and you really have a great understanding of what you should expect in a mate. i can't wait to see what an amazing man you end up with. because you're pretty much incredible. and, like you said, it is WORTH it to wait for someone who loves you for who you are and who loves you for the things you love about yourself.